Preparing for Your Newly Adopted Child or Children
By Annette Kussin, M.S.W., RSW
- Remember that your child has come from either a family where he/she experienced neglect or abuse or an orphanage where he or she may have received minimal care. Your child may have issues of trust in adults and may have developed strategies to protect herself and get needs and wants met that are not healthy and that may put you or your child at risk.
- Although you will be very excited to welcome your child and want to love and nurture your child, your child may not be ready to accept this. Be patient and do not personalize your child’s distancing, rejecting or demanding. Trust takes time to build.
- Your child will arrive with unmet needs and may demonstrate inappropriate behavior to find affection or attention. You may have to limit your child’s contact with strangers and even friends and relatives, redirect your child’s inappropriate displays of contact and teach friends and relatives to limit their displays of affection and direct the child back to you.
- If you are adopting siblings, they may have developed a sibling relationship in their family or the institution that was necessary for their survival but may not be healthy. This could entail one sibling acting as the caretaker of the other, one sibling more aggressive and one more victimized or joining together to protect themselves from unsafe adults. Undoing this relationship will take time and understanding but will change as the siblings feel safe with you and begin to trust that you will meet each of their needs and have enough love and nurturing for both or all of them.
- You will want to give a great deal of material things to your newly adopted child, knowing they have been so deprived but do not overwhelm or overstimulate your child. The following are useful preparations for your home:
- Establish routines, for bedtimes, hygiene, meals and school if applicable. Routines and structure are important for safety, security and predictability. They are not intended to be enforced authoritatively or punitively.
- If you are adopting a younger child, childproof your house. If you do not have children you may not be aware that you have breakable items, sharp edged items or open stairways.
- If you are adopting an older child who may have behavior problems, ensure that your valuables are not easily accessible and that items that could be used harmfully are stored in safe places, e.g., sharp knives, scissors. It is difficult to think in terms of your own safety, but until you come to know your older child, be aware that such children can become aggressive.
- Bedtimes are often a challenging time for adopted children. They may be frightened of their new surroundings and not able to sleep. They may be insecure that you will not be available in the morning and not want to sleep. Ensure that you are available as a comfort and secure base which may mean that you remain in the room close to your child until they fall asleep. This may be a routine that carries on for some time but do not be concerned if this is the case. Your child may never have experienced bedtime as a caring and nurturing time and will need months to internalize the feeling that you are available at night if he or she needs you.
In time you will come to know your child and their verbal and non-verbal signals for what they need and feel. Your communication of this understanding with empathy is vital for your child’s development of trust in you. You may not be able to meet some of their needs and wants but setting limits or denying this must be done with empathy and attunement.
Although your child may be challenging find the moments of pleasure and fun and express this to and with your child.
Remember although you are not the first parents or caregivers to shape the development of your adopted child you are the parent that will be the most influential now is reshaping the brain and personality of your child. Your parenting now will offer an opportunity to bring security to an insecure child, to bring trust to a mistrustful child and to bring emotional regulation to a child who can’t contain all the intense feelings they experience.
There is now a wealth of information and resources to help you if you find your child is challenging beyond your knowledge and parenting skills. Do not wait until your child is overwhelming you and you find yourself despairing and having feelings of regret and rejection. Get help early in your child’s placement with you.
